i mean obviously my initial impulse is gonna be to get you to trust me because i want you to believe the things i say or realize certain things that i want you to realize which is gonna come down to trust in some fashion but im thinking that maybe trust is not such an important thing and you just verified this on the phone but it was a sort of nothing really matters response which is totally fine cus obviously im down with that and it always makes me happy when we can communicate in that sort of manner cus usually people dont get that aspect of life and its too exhausting of a thing to have to explain mostly i think because you cant explain it at all you just have to live it and experience it and than you just understand that that aspect exists even though its hard or perhaps impossible to actually LIVE it but nevertheless we are able to add that dimension to our communication which i feel gives us an automatic bonus level up one in our existence like when mario eats the mushrooms to grow bigger and stronger in the game and once he eats one mushroom he gets to one size and even if he eats more he cant get any bigger even though you want him to reallllllly really bad so that you can protect against future forces of evil but it just doesnt happen that way and at some point you get hit and you shrink back to this little child which is the same as all of us going back and forth between adulthood and childhood and even tho were older we think like children sometimes which is probably one of the better things that canhappen to us JESUS i feel like im thinking in the best possible way right now and all the crazy billions of paths and sequences in life that usually seem so overwhelming and daunting just come together and click at any point that i stumble across and EVERYTHING makes SENSE although i know at the same time that it doesnt but i think this is actually different than sense its more like understanding the sense and the nonsense because seeing the patterns and all that doesn't necessarily mean that they make sense OK enough of this back to trust briefly before i go i want to make clear that im unsure about the importance of trust because really you can only trust to a certain extent and i think that it is completely instinctual or subconscious so it is never something we should really think about and if we do were only gonna second guess which probably happens to us more than it should but regardless our guts are gonna pull and squeeze to whatever extent they need to to make their point and were just gonna be little slaves EVEN if our minds try to tell us something different BUT at the same time it seems that the questioning that goes on is the only thing that pushes us further and makes us stronger because how fuckin difficult it is to go AGAINST that trust or that instinct or whatever it is to CONSCIOUSLY go against it and do battle it is what pushes us beyond the beyond beyond
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THE FOLLOWING IS NOT THIS SLOSER----------------Rather, it is AnOTHER
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we commit to a life of chaos with no time to slow down, just going very fast and things happening, and letting the madness take hold.
but at the same time we talk of concrete things we want to do.
these things take time, effort, and specialization to some degree, and new understandings of the madness.
i have done some mad living and rejected lots of people who focus. but i feel that i have not seen the other side. and so for a time, i must explore the madness of concentration. and for it to truly be madness i cannot compromise, and i must go at it wholeheartedly.
it is certainly a different form of madness from what i have seen...
there is little peace in what i have found.
i am just compelled by different frameworks.
also, there is a difference in how we see our time here.
i really dont see it as that special. its just time, its just whats happening, and its just now. life has always been special and transient. and i always want things to last forever, which means its always sort of continuously happening well, and there is no room for time in which things will be any less how they were.
i will always be in sweden. i will always be surrounded by the most fascinating people who are ripe for mind fucking.
these things are all continuous.
people walking around like they have things to experience and take advantage of is sickening.
its the continuous sort of trip.
and it never ends.
even death is not an ending, because we never perceive ourself dying.
just like we never perceive ourself falling asleep.
you might not wake up tomorrow.
but you'll never know the difference.
you might not wake up tomorrow.
but you'll never wake up.
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